Headline: It’s A Doggy Life: An Im’possum’able Team Triumph at the 18th Goodboys Invitational

Brewster, MA (UPI) It wasn’t supposed to go like this: A team comprising one Goodboy just weeks away from back surgery and another who hadn’t touched a club in nearly a year, riding a two-day wave of clutch putts, hit fairways, and unbelievable chip-ins to triumph over the rest of field. But that’s exactly what Pat “Doggy Duval” McLaughlin and Paul “Possum” Shepter did this past weekend at the 18th annual Goodboys Invitational held at steamy and sultry The Captains C.C. in Brewster, MA.

“I want to thank my partner for his wonderful play these past two days, and I especially want to thank my back for hanging in there”, proclaimed a tired but triumphant “Doggy Duval” as he held aloft the hallowed Spielberg Memorial Trophy wearing his red-checkered champions retro polyester tweed jacket. “The prize money [$50] will not only help cover my co-pay for the back surgery, but I’ll still have money left for a taco at Jack-In-The-Box!” McLaughlin’s victory was his fourth overall Goodboys championship - one he felt was long in coming. “It’s been quite a few years since I’ve won, and that makes this one all the more sweeter.”

McLaughlin’s partner, “Possum” Shepter, a little more subdued, chose to bask in the triumph of his victory by relaxing with reporters on The Captains’ veranda after the awards ceremony. Nursing a Diet Coke and V8, he explained his approach to the weekend’s matches: “It was really just keep it in play and not try to do too much… “Vegas” [Goodboy Mike Clark] taught me this cool flop-shot and I found myself using it often and leaving me with fairly short putts throughout the weekend. I have to say, this victory is very satisfying.”

For Shepter, it was his second Goodboys Invitational championship.

For the rest of the Goodboys it was a weekend of “woulda-coulda-shouldas” and opportunities lost. Finishing in second place was the team of Mike “Vegas” Clark and Ben “The Funny Guy” Andrusaitis, who, while staying close throughout the front nine on Sunday, could not keep up with the steady and consistent play of the winners. “We just ran out of gas and ran out of holes”, explained a disappointed “The Funny Guy”.

The team of Steve “Killer” Kowalski and Kevin “Goose” Dwyer finished third, continuing Goose’s long drought of Goodboys championships; he retains the title of “Best Goodboy To Have Never Won A Goodboys Championship”.

Finishing a distant last was the team of Doug “The Great White Shank” Richard and Ron “Cubby” Myerow, who dug for themselves a significant hole by a poor Saturday and never got any traction thereafter. “A poor showing”, explained TGWS to reporters afterwards, “we started bad and stayed bad throughout. No excuses.” For “Cubby”, however, there was a silver lining: “Shooting that 50 on the back nine made me feel really good. Unfortunately, by then the horses had not just left the barn, they were already on their way from the glue factory to hardware stores everywhere.”

In the individual competitions, “Possum” Shepter took home an authentic golf towel from Augusta National for his lowest score against handicap, while “The Great White Shank”, for the highest score against handicap, won the book, “Naked On The First Tee - A Beginner’s Guide For Women Golfers”.

All in all, a good time was had by all, and plans are already underway for the 19th Annual Goodboys Invitational to be held in July of 2009 back on the Cape at a location(s) to be determined.

With the 18th annual Goodboys Invitational weekend upon us, long-time Goodboys observer and historian Gaylord Pellrine offers up this song-poem to the Goodboys:

July is here are you ready for some groovin’
It’s Goodboys time better get the fellas movin’
From North Shore to South Shore and eastward from Bourne
The Goodboys will gather on this Saturday morn

So let’s go
Let’s go, time to make the Goodboys scene

Drive your ball, keep away from the trees
Who’s gonna clean up on all the Par 3s?
Humilation bets and bunny hops
If you wanna be champs better pull out all stops

So let’s go
Let’s go, time to make the Goodboys scene

Gonna grab some breakfast, gonna leave at eight
Our tee times are waiting we don’t wanna be late, hey hey
We’re all checked out and on our way
Go to Harry’s at night after golfing all day, hey hey
Time to make the Goodboys scene

The sandtraps are brown and the fairways are green
Been waiting all year to make the Goodboys scene
When the weekend’s over go our separate ways
With memories to warm us on the cold winter days

So let’s go
Let’s go, time to make the Goodboys scene
Let’s go, time to make the Goodboys scene

Ahh yes, Goodboys Invitational weekend has arrived! I’ll be catching you on the flip side with all the gory details. See y’all next week!

“Good evening, I’m Kelly Tilghman here on the Sprint Post-Game Show, where, if you don’t mind me saying, we could could care less what happened this past weekend at the stupid John Deere Classic - or, as we like to call it here at The Golf Channel - the “Dear John Classic”, because, as everyone knows, no one of any importance played there.”

(Group laughter and snickering)

“This week, all the golf world’s attention will be focused on Brewster, Massachusetts where the 18th annual Goodboys Invitational is about to take place. I’m joined here as usual by Brian Hewitt, Frank Nobilo, and the erstwhile Peter Oosterhuis for a preview of what promises to be yet another exciting Goodboys Invitational. Welcome, gentlemen.”

(crickets chirping)

FN: Ummm.. well, yes, of course you’re right, Kelly. It is the Goodboys Invitational weekend, and I for one can’t wait to see how all the action unfolds.

BH: What makes this year’s tournament so intriguing is the fact that last year’s champions, Steve “Killer” Kowalski and Doug “The Great White Shank” Richard chose not to defend their title, leaving the field wide open. I know I can’t pick a favorite team right now.

KT: Well, lets break those teams down and assess their chances then, shall we? Peter, Mike “Vegas” Clark and Ben “The Funny Guy” Andrusaitis - do they have a shot?”

PO: Well the big question is going to be “Vegas”‘ health and how well that elbow with the tendonitis holds up over two days of golf. One thing you can be certain of is that with “The Funny Guy” as a partner there won’t be a whole lot of peace and quiet surrounding him. When you play with “The Funny Guy” it’s not just the birds out there doing the chirping.

BH: I wonder if doing the bunny hop hurts your tennis elbow? (Brian is referring to the traditional “bunny hop” humilation bet, where the losing team has to bunny hop around the practice green, regardless of who may be out there at the time.)

PO: Believe me, it doesn’t.

FN: How would you know, Peter?

PO: I lost a bunny hop bet with Faldo over whether Kelly would lose her job over that Tiger Woods “lynch” comment.

(Frank, Peter, and Brian laugh. Kelly shifts uneasily in her seat)

KT (quickly changing the subject): Brian, is this the year Kevin “Goose” Dwyer wins his first Goodboys Invitational? Is this the year the so-called “Best Player To Have Never Won A Goodboys Invitational” finally gets that monkey off his back?

BH: Kelly, “Goose” Dwyer is ready for a break-out year, in my opinion. All the tumblers appear to have fallen into place for him - he has a top-flight partner in “Killer” this year, “Vegas” Clark has a bad wing, and, to top it off, he got a few extra strokes on his handicap from the Executive Committee as a result of his less-than-inspiring play over the past few years. That’s living right, I’ll tell you.

FN: So Brian, you’re saying that the only way “Goose” doesn’t win this year is if the other Goodboys lynch him in a back alley?

(Kelly’s face turns red)

PO: Of course, “Vegas” Clark is not the only Goodboy with health issues this year. Pat “Doggy Duval” McLaughlin is suffering from a pinched nerve in his back, and his ability to play well will be questionable.

FN: Right, Peter - it almost seems as if these guys are falling apart, and they’re not even old yet. You’ve only got two fully healthy teams - the “Killer” / “Goose” team and “The Great White Shank” and Ron “Cubby” Myerow. And in the case of the latter, I just don’t see a strong enough performance coming out of either of these guys to take the pressure off the other. The one good thing about this team is, with TGWS’ lefty slice and “Cubby’s” power pull, at least they’ll always be on the same side of the course…

KT: “The Great White Shank” has orange balls.

(Brian, Frank, and Peter stare at Kelly in silence)

KT: Ummmm….I mean “The Great White Shank” has changed to playing bright orange golf balls this year. Why is everyone picking on everything I say???

PO: Look, if the only five-time champion in Goodboys history wants to change the color of the balls he uses, he’s earned the right to do so. But it’s gonna take more than that to overcome that strong “Killer” /”Goose” tandem.

KT: That pinched nerve aside, Frank, do you see any hope for the “Doggy Duval” / Paul “Possum” Shepter team?

FN: I really don’t think so, Kelly. One look at both these golfers, and you see major issues involving their basic golf swing. Having a great golf swing is all about good rotation. Throughout the swing you need to keep the club in front of your body. To do this in perfect motion, rotate the club head, hand, and chest in synchronization. Visualize an imaginary dot on the club head, on the hands and mid-chest region. When you start to swing, imagine that you are following those three dots at the same rate of rotation.

BH: A viewer out there has just sent us an e-mail saying he’d like to visualize the dots on Kelly’s mid-chest region…

(Frank, Peter, and Brian laugh. Kelly shifts uneasily in her seat)

FN: That viewer might have been “Cubby” Myerow!

KT: Well there you have it, The Golf Channel’s Goodboys Invitational preview. Thanks to Frank, Peter, and Brian for joining me here on the Sprint Post-Game Show. Have a great night, everyone!

…continuing with the theme of yesterday’s post, courtesy of National Review Online’s Corner Blog, here are 23 absolutely, 100% tried, can’t miss pickup lines for Cubby (and anyone else out there) to give a try with.

These are actually pretty funny. Cinderella should be so lucky…

—

1. How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. My name is _________.

2. Hi, can I buy you several drinks?

3. Inheriting 80 million bucks doesn’t mean much when you have a weak heart!

4. You might as well come home with me because I’m going to tell everyone you did anyway.

5. You look like my second wife, and I’ve only been married once.

6. Excuse me, I think you have something in your eye. Oh never mind, it’s just a sparkle.

7. Your place or mine? Tell you what? I’ll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours.

8. My boys over there bet that I wouldn’t be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money? (BTW, my favorite…)

9. I can sense that you’re a terrific lover, and it intimidates me a little.

10. Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I’m kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you’re giving me your number because I’m too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other’s friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you’re stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I’m careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That’s just too sad. Think about the children. For God’s sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let’s just keep it sexual, because we both know where it’s going.

11. Greetings and salivations.

12. I’m not actually this tall. I’m sitting on my wallet.

13. Did you see the fight outside a little while ago? These two girls were fighting over a short guy named [your name].

14. If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?

15. I bet you $20 you’re gonna turn me down.

16. Excuse me. My friend over there is a little embarrassed. He’d like your phone number. He wants to know where he can get a hold of me in the morning.

17. (Give the person a pint of beer) Drink this, then call me when you’re ready.

18. I’d like to name a multiple orgasm after you.

19. Excuse me, do you want a double entendre?

20. Is your husband still on nights?

21. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

22. You’re going to have to buy me a drink. [She: What for?] I dropped mine when I saw you.

23. There is something wrong with my phone. Could you call it for me to see if it rings?

—-

Good luck to Cubby and all you other lonely hearts out there!

You can tell it’s getting close to the 18th annual Goodboys Invitational weekend when