Got this in an e-mail from my favorite aunt & uncle, some of these are pretty funny!

———

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more
about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across
a desk.
~Grantland Rice

2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how
childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent
inability to count past five.
~ John Updike

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a
place the world is when one is playing golf.
~ Robert Lynd

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball,
the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
~ Horace G. Hutchinson

5. They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf
is more complicated than that.
~ Gardner Dickinson

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as
they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.
~Sam Snead

7. If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
~ Dean Martin

8. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to
throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t
have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
~Tommy Bolt

9. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels
personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.
~ Bishop Sheen

10. I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew
tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
~ Arnold Palmer

11. My handicap? Woods and irons.
~Chris Codiroli

12. I’m hitting the woods just great, but having a
terrible time getting out of them!
~ Buddy Hackett

13. The only time my prayers are never answered
is playing golf.
~Billy Graham

14. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try
picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon

15. It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf
balls while they are still rolling.
~ Mark Twain

16. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
~Ben Hogan

17. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you
can’t improve your lie.
~ George Deukmejian

AND FINALLY……………

18. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think
music comes out of a bagpipe.
~Lee Trevino

———

Pool temp: 58 degrees

This seems pretty unnecessary to me. Why Hollywood constantly feels the need to remake things that don’t require remaking is beyond me. The original series was a ’70s classic - ought to be good enough in this day and age. But it’s all about the $.

Others may not think so, but I’m betting Tiger comes out for The Masters in April.

…after all, he wouldn’t want to miss what defending champion Miguel Cabrera has planned for the traditional pre-tournament Champions Dinner:

On a conference call Tuesday, Cabrera was asked if he had given any thought to his menu at the Masters.

“There’s not a lot to think about,” he replied through a translator. “A good Argentine ‘asado.’ Some good beef.”

Epps said asado is a popular Argentine barbecue, and the menu will feature a five-meat course, including filets, short ribs and sausages, including one known as “morcilla.”

“There won’t be a lot of carbohydrates at this dinner,” said Epps, who grew up in Argentina.

There will be salad and bread to dip in a sauce that Cabrera will make himself, along with plenty of Argentine wine and music.

Wish I could be there for that!

I won’t hold my breath waiting for the mainstream dino-media to launch an investigation into how often this kind of thing occurs.

Tomorrow night, baseball’s back in New England. Sure it’s only a game involving a college team, but after the kind of winter those folks have had, I think they deserve it.

I say let them try. I mean, for gawdsakes, why it has taken the Dems this long to pass Obamacare bewilders me. They can complain all they want about the Republicans not wanting to play ball, but dudes, not sure you know this, but you have the White House, and you’re the majority party in both the House and Senate. So stop making excuses and just go for it already, will ya? The end of your elected terms in Washington await. (Hat tip: Drudge)

Hmmm…it’s alreday March 3, I’ve seen robin red breasts all over the place here in Tupelo, Mississippi, and not a peep from the powers-that-be about this year’s 20th Goodboys Invitational weekend. I guess it’s not that big a deal after all….but it is only a little over four months away. Time’s wasting, fellas…

Crazy work week doing forecasts and budgets, glad to have a night away from the laptop. Bunch of stuff happening out there:

Look, I don’t know how well - or even if - President Obama’s stimulus package that went into law last year on this date has made that much of a difference. I doubt not even his economic team does. So the Prez does himself an incredible disservice when, as he did today, he uses ridiculous platitudes like, “There has never been a program of this scale, moved at this speed, that has been enacted as effectively and as transparently as the recovery act.” The fact he can say such things with a straight face diminshes both and his Presidency. Look, people know the difference between the usual political hyperbole and flat-out bullshit. And when it comes to the latter, he’s off the charts.

So Tiger Woods is going to come out of hiding this Friday, huh? To read a statement without taking questions. I don’t know, I don’t see what would be wrong with inviting a few carefully-chosen golf writers to ask him tough questions in a respectful forum on, say, the Golf Channel or ESPN, where he has a chance to speak honestly and at length. Doing something like the wonderful “Studio 42 With Bob Costas” on the MLB Network, I think, would do him a world of good. By avoiding questions, all that’s going to do is delay the zoo for another day. And that day will come, believe me…

Can we all agree now that the whole man-made global warming thing was nothing more than a hoax of monumental proportions propagated by a bunch of self-serving zealots interested not in science, but in pushing their own anti-capitalist, anti-free market agenda, knowing it would be swallowed wholeheartedly by the tax-and-spend liberal elites of the world. Mark my words: today it’s just a trickle of corporations and financiers and states backing away from their prior commitments; soon it will be a tidal wave, leaving only the most in-denial zealots who simply can’t bring themselves to believe their lives and their cause was nothing more than a flimsy house of cards built on rank dishonesty, corruption, and lies. Science, indeed.

—

Pool temp: 56 degrees

Lately it’s been pretty quiet on the Tiger Woods front, but The Daily Beast’s Gerald Posner has the inside scoop on the chain of events (hat tip: Jay Busbee’s Devil Ball Golf blog) that turned the golf world upside down the day after Thanksgiving.

Me, I always thought Thanksgiving night was for laying low, having a few cocktails after cleaning up the kitchen, maybe a hot open-faced turkey sandwich after playing a board game or two with the relatives, right? Well, that’s not exactly how Thanksgiving night played out at the Woods residence (my boldings):

…The next day, Thanksgiving, Elin learned some of the Enquirer’s specifics about the purported affair, including a recent rendezvous in Australia. That evening, the two argued. Tiger decided to end the bickering , both sources confirm, by taking Ambien and going to sleep. (According to what Elin has told one of the sources, Woods regularly had trouble sleeping, and Ambien was his primary sleep aid.)

After Woods fell asleep, Elin looked through his cellphone, both sources confirmed. There she found text messages to Uchitel’s number—Uchitel was apparently listed in Tiger’s cellphone under her real name—and among them she discovered one that said, “You are the only one I’ve loved.”

Shortly after 1 a.m. in Florida, Elin began texting Uchitel, pretending to be Tiger, according to both sources. Elin wrote, “I miss you,” and asked, “When are we seeing each other again?”

Uchitel texted back, seemingly surprised that Woods was awake. Elin specifically felt, one source told me, that this response indicated that the two of them spoke earlier that night, before Tiger took his Ambien. At that point, Elin called Uchitel, who answered thinking it was Tiger calling. Both sources said that Elin said something approximating, “I knew it was you.”

Uchitel’s surprised reply, according to what Elin told one source: “Oh f–k.” She immediately hung up.

Normally quiet and controlled, Elin later told one source she became enraged and woke Tiger by screaming at him. He seemed disoriented, still in a stupor from the Ambien. The fight ratcheted up quickly.

But then chaos ensued when she grabbed his cellphone when he came out after locking himself in the bathroom for several minutes. Both sources confirm that Tiger had apparently, shortly after waking up, sent another short text to Uchitel warning that Elin had uncovered the affair, that he was about to pack, and that a divorce might be imminent.

Elin didn’t tell Woods what she’d seen, one source says. She simply exploded, trying to hit him on the chest and arms with her fists, and then finally chasing him from the house while she wielded a golf club. Shoeless, he ran into the car and barreled out of the driveway before careening off a fire hydrant and then smashing into a tree. Neither source said they knew the details of how the rear windows in the Escalade were knocked out, though one source says that the story Tiger told police at the accident scene about Elin smashing them in an attempt to free him from the wreck was a lie designed to protect his wife.

Ahh, yes the holiday season. A magical time to share warm and happy moments with loved ones. Me, I just don’t understand it. Isn’t the whole idea of cheating on one’s spouse to do it in a way that - oh, I don’t know - maintains the other person’s anonymity? I’m not speaking from experience here, I’m just thinking the whole thing out logically.

All of this is pretty amazing stuff, but it sure makes a lot of sense. I’ve always thought the main reason we haven’t seen Tiger anywhere on TV to this point - if only just to beg forgiveness from his fans, his sponsors, and the PGA Tour - is because he got beat up pretty bad and he’s still healing from the plastic surgery he required after the beating he received. In my view, he gets whatever he deserves. There’s being naughty and there’s being stupid. As good a golfer as Tiger Woods is and will continue to be at some point, he’s guilt of both.

—

Pool temp: 53 degrees

I know it’s now old news, but I’ve been meaning to comment on slugger Mark McGwire’s tearful confession the other day about using steroids while a member of the Oakland A’s and St. Louis Cardinals. If McGwire truly believes that his jump from a 40-50 a year home run hitter to a 60-70 one had nothing to do with steroids, then denial is not, as they say, just a river in Egypt.

Note to Mr. McGwire: you may truly believe that your ability to increase your home run production was solely the results of improved hand-eye coordination, a carefully crafted shorter swing, and/or a general maturing as a hitter, but I would respectfully point out the following facts:

1. You say you took steroids because your body was breaking down and they enabled you to heal faster and play through entire seasons, but how could you have hit all those home runs if you hadn’t healed faster through steroids, hmm? Just this fact alone means your argument that steroids didn’t equate to increased home run production holds no water.

2. Isn’t it just possible that your improved hand-eye coordination came as a direct result of taking steroids?

3. Isn’t it just possible that without steroids a dozen or so of those home runs would have been warning-track outs or doubles?

I’m not saying McGwire is a bad person or someone who should be exiled to a Gulag or something. Personally, I have no problem putting Mark McGwire into the Hall of Fame. Steroids or not, his ability to hit that many home runs in a single 162-game season still stands as one amazing accomplishment. However, I would make sure his plaque, and those of other possible HOF-worthy players who played during baseball’s “Steroids Era” (i.e., Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens, etc.), have their own little place in Cooperstown tucked away from those who earned their HOF status without the benefit of PEDs.

—

Pool temp: 51 degrees

…For a Friday morning. What a long work week it has been.

Meet the “ecobioball” golf ball - it dissolves over time once in water and feeds the fish! Hmm…a “green” golf ball; no thanks, The Great White Shank will stick to his orange Precept XP3s, at least for now.

—

One of my favorite bloggers, The Anchoress, is a one-stop shop for just heartbreaking updates from earthquake-ravaged Haiti. One of my favorite charities, Food For The Poor, is a wonderful way for anyone wishing to help to do so.

—

Gonna be quite a storm slamming the southeast then running up the Eastern Seaboard this coming weekend. Were this late summer we’d be talking about a major hurricane event.

Speaking of weather, last night we actually got a rare January thunderstorm. Some people near us received hail and some severe lighting strikes, but for us here it was just a dazzling electric display, some wonderful deep-rumbling thunder, and some much-needed rain. Looks like next week poses a real opportunity for some truly meaningful rain. Sure hope so.

—

Just a song before I go: A YouTube video of one of my all-time favorite Fleetwood Mac / Stevie Nicks songs, “Silver Springs”. Enjoy!

—

Pool temp: 50 degrees!

With the finalized but yet-to-be formaly announced trade of 1B Casey Kotchman to the Seattle Mariners for the versatile veteran Bill Hall, the 2010 Boston Red Sox roster is finally coming into focus. This year’s edition is obviously being built on the old adage that pitching and defense wins games; we’ll have to see if that’s still the case in a team that competes in a power-driven league like the American League, and following a decade where the team won its two world championships relying on a combination of timely pitching and the brute force of David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez highlighting an offensively-strong lineup.

Here’s what the current 25-man roster presently looks like:

Starters: Josh Beckett, John Lackey, Jon Lester, Daisuke Matsuzaka, and Clay Buchholz.

Swingman: Tim Wakefield

Bullpen: Jonathan Papelbon, Daniel Bard, Manny Delcarmen, Hideki Okajima, Ramon Ramirez, and another Ramon Ramirez (literally!)

Infield: Gold Glovers Kevin Youkilis, Dustin Pedroia, and Adrian Beltre at 1B, 2B, 3B, respectively; Marco Scutaro at short and Hall as utility backup.

Outfield: Jacoby Ellsbury in left, Mike Cameron in center, and J.D. Drew in right. Jeremy Hermida is backup to Cameron and Drew.

Catcher: Victor Martinez and Jason Varitek

DH: David Ortiz, with Mike Lowell as backup

Definitely a very strong roster defensively and pitching wise. Wakefield as swingman protects one of the five starters in the case of injury. With former utilityman and starting shortstop Jed Lowrie projected to start the season at AAA Pawtucket to prove to the Sox’ brass that he can stay healthy for a full season, they will have coverage in the case of injury to their infield. Hermida should get ample playing time since Drew is always getting dinged up and out for minor stretches of time.

The big question that remains is the status of Lowell, who seems surely to be dealt by the end of spring training if he can show himself healthy. Me, I think keeping him around is good insurance in case Big Papi Ortiz starts this year out as abysmally as he did last - I doubt given his age and his contract the Sox would stick with him this year as long as they did in 2009.

Of course, there’s always a chance that someone will surprise in spring training or someone will go down with an expected injury, but right now - the Lowell situation notwithstanding - the Sox appear to be in good shape to mount a serious challenge to the Yankees all year and for an A.L. pennant. The pitchers will love the solid defense all around (Ellsbury in left!) and they’ll hit good enough at Fenway. Whether their offense will be enough to carry them on the road is something that remains yet to be seen, but if it struggles, GM Theo Epstein appears to have some nice pieces (Ellsbury, Buchholz) in place to make a blockbuster July trading deadline deal if it were to come to that.

——-

Pool temp: 48 degrees

After being unceremoniously dumped over the side of the good ship “American League Division Series” like some bloated, dead carp, the Boston Red Sox have some serious thinking to do over the long, cold dead-of-winter offseason.

I’m hoping that GM Theo Epstein stares long and hard into that cold glass of Sam Adams Winter Lager and realizes that the Boston Globe’s “Tony Mazz” is right - he’s got a team on the downswing, and if he’s not careful, the boys won’t come within a sniff of October post-season baseball in 2010. So he can’t just stand pat. And knowing Theo, he won’t.

Not that he’d listen to The Great White Shank for advice - after all, no one ever does - but if he did, here is what I would like to see:

1. Tell Captain Jason Varitek “thanks, but no thanks”, and plan on catching Victor Martinez three out of every five games (DH’ing or playing 1B the other two), with George Katteras or some other decent back-up catcher doing the other two. After all, you can’t very well have a team captain who rides the pine 80% of the time, and while we Sox fans can’t say enough for V-Tek’s contributions over the years, there does come a time…

2. Tell Daisuke Matsuzaka he better show up at spring training as a lean, mean pitching machine ready to kick some imperialist Yankee pig-dog a$$ from the git-go. Dice-K cost the Sox a lot of headaches and heartache this year, but I’m willing to give him a mulligan for 2009 if he’s willing to live up to both his promise and that huge contract of his in 2010. If he does, I really like that Lester-Beckett-Matsuzaka-Buchholz-Wakefield rotation. That’s something you can take into an October post-season.

3. Sign OF Jason Bay to a long-term contract.

4. Start sniffing around for a young, up-and-coming DH replacement for David Ortiz. I mean, no one loves “Big Papi” more than The Great White Shank, but you have to be ready to pull the plug if he gets off to another horrendous start next year. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

5. Think about dangling closer Jonathan Papelbon for some young, can’t miss prospect (see #4, above). After all, the Sox have potential replacement candidates in both Billy Wagner and Daniel Bard, and while I’m not crazy about dealing Papelbon, the Sox have to face the fact that they have no raw power in their farm system, and I’m just afraid if Papi gets even older next year we’ll have yet another year watching the Sox pound crappy pitching into smithereens while spitting the bit against anyone with decent talent.

6. Re-sign Alex Gonzalex as shortstop. Me, I’m not convinced of Jed Lowrie as a full-time, big-league shortstop. Besides, Lowrie has to prove he can stay healthy over an entire season, and 3B Mike Lowell is going to need a breather from time to time anyways (so will 2B Dustin Pedroia and Gonzalez). So the safe route would be to use Lowrie in a regular utility role and see how he holds up.

7. Groom Josh Reddick as J.D. Drew’s heir replacement in right field. I know the argument, you don’t bring a top-notch prospect up to sit and watch. But anyone who has followed Drew’s career knows that whoever serves as his back-up is gonna get plenty of playing time. After all, J.D. tweaks a hammy if he so much as reaches for the red-leaf lettuce the wrong way in the local supermarket’s produce section. Reddick looks to me to be a keeper, and he’ll get plenty of opportunites to show Terry Francona that he belongs in the bigs.

So there you have it - the recipe for Red Sox success in 2010. It was painfully predictable to watch the team flail away against rookies and good pitching this year, but their problems aren’t insurmountable if Theo Epstein is willing to get a little creative.

Only four months to Truck Day. Spring training can’t come soon enough.

…on second thought, well, yes it can - after all, this Sox fan needs a breather, and there’s still the Yankees to root against. Go Angels!

Safely here in Massachusetts, and blissfully there is no heat, just a beautiful kind of not-summer-but-not-yet-fall September pleasantness that defies description. It’s gonna be a crazy week work-wise, so let’s kick if off with a little golf humor. Got this in an e-mail sent by my folks, enjoy!

—-

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, ‘How’s the singing career going?’

Stevie replies, ‘Not too bad. How’s the golf?’

Woods replies, ‘Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my knee.

Stevie says, ‘I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.’

Tiger says, ‘You play GOLF?’

Stevie says, ‘Yes, I’ve been playing for years’.

Tiger says, ‘But — you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?’

Stevie replies, ‘Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.’

‘But, how do you putt?’ asks Tiger

‘Well’, says Stevie, ‘I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.’

Tiger asks, ‘What’s your handicap?’

Stevie says, ‘Well, actually — I’m a scratch golfer.’

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, ‘We’ve got to play a round sometime.’

Stevie replies, ‘Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?’

Woods thinks about it and says, ‘ I can afford that, OK, I’m game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?’

Stevie says, ‘Pick a night.’

I was afraid this was going to happen.

How does it feel, Theo? You’ve now assembled a roster that features three first basemen, three starters that can’t pitch out of the fifth, and a bullpen that is totally worn out. You have a DH (David Ortiz) who hasn’t had so much as a hit in the last 16 at bats and looks lost once again at the plate, a third baseman (Mike Lowell) who can still hit and field but cannot run, and a catcher (Jason Varitek) who looks like he’s done as well.

Maybe Casey Kotchman has some value, but why on God’s green earth you acquired yet another first baseman at the trading deadline to take up a valuable roster spot is beyond me.

I saw this all coming. Sure, they beat up on the Baltimore Orioles last weekend, but heck, the O’s have one of the worst pitching staffs in all of baseball. Against Tampa Bay earlier this week, the Red Sox looked tired, old, and lifeless next to the spunky, athletic, and exciting Rays.
So it’s no surprise they got the tar kicked out of them tonight by the Bronx Bombers. And, as I said earlier this week, it wouldn’t surprise me if come Sunday they’re behind those damned Rays in the A.L. East and the A.L. Wild Card standings.

Make no mistake about it - this is a team in deep trouble. With only two dependable starters you can’t be rolling your bullpen in August and September as you’ve been doing since April - they just can’t handle the load. Ortiz, Varitek, and Kotchman are going to have to start spending some significant time on the pine. Put Victor Martinez full-time at first, Kevin Youkilis full-time at third, and let Lowell and Ortiz platoon at DH.

And, for gawdsakes, get some young pitchers up who can at least go six innings until Tim Wakefield and Daisuke Matsuzaka are well enough to pitch again.

Sigh. This is going to be one long weekend.