Yeah, you heard that right. The Great White Shank is a true feminist in every sense of the word. I’m pro-life but believe that contraception should be available over the counter, and that while abortion should be an option and available to all women, abortion providers (particularly Planned Parenthood) should get no taxpayers dollars under any circumstances. And unless you’re also going to subsidize condoms, women’s contraception shouldn’t be taxpayer-funded, either. If you can’t afford it, be woman enough to keep your legs closed. I believe women should be paid the same as men for the same work, but I also believe women who have children shouldn’t get any special treatment from employers: if you’re planning on having children save that PTO time to use what’s rightfully coming to you. (Same holds true for fathers, by the way.)

More than anything else, I believe women should be treated the same way and held to the same standards as men, be it positively or negatively. Just as White House press secretary Josh Earnest is a total airhead, his predecessor Jay Carney a bald-faced liar without any shred of credibility or integrity (like his boss, BTW), and Secretary of State John Kerry (did you know he served in Vietnam?) beyond incompetent (again, like his boss), so too are State Department spokespersons Jen Psaki and Marie Harf unfit for the roles they have been put in. That doesn’t mean either of them are bad people, but you can’t tell me that somewhere in the massive federal government infrastructure there aren’t two other women better qualified and able to project the kind of seriousness and toughness that goes with representing our Department of State.

And yes, Ms. Psaki and Ms. Harf – in your positions it does all come down to seriousness and toughness. You’ve got Vladimir Putin running roughshod over the western borders of Russia, you’ve got all kinds of Islamic terrorist groups creating mayhem, beheading American journalists, and threatening American interests and allies in the Middle East, and who have we got facing down these desperadoes? Two women who look like they’d be more comfortable teaching fifth-graders calculus at Porcupine Valley Middle School picking fights with the likes of Bill O’Reilly of Fox News and accusing journalists of not sharing their rose-colored views of the world.

At any moment when either of these smarmy elitists are at a podium I half expect them to say, “Can’t we all just get along?”, or, most likely, “Class dismissed.” The phrase “if you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen” comes to mind, but that wouldn’t be a very feminist thing to say, would it?

Lest you think I’m being too tough on the girls, keep in mind I have a deep and abiding respect for strong and intelligent women. Margaret Thatcher. Condoleezza Rice. Barbara Bush. And Laura Bush, for that matter. Susanna Martinez. Carly Fiorina. Mia Love. Michelle Malkin.

And no, I don’t consider Hillary Clinton either intelligent or strong – if she was either she wouldn’t have needed to hitch a ride on her husband’s coattails to get her everywhere she’s gotten. Me? I knew she was a fraud when after the Monica Lewinsky scandal broke we never saw CNN cut to the White House where Hillary was throwing all of Bill’s clothes out one of the second-story windows.

To me, the very definition of the word feminism is women expecting to be treated equally as men, having access to all the same opportunities as men, and using all the unique gifts God gave them to be as happy and successful as they can. (You want to see powerful women on display? Check out any Vegas strip club on busy Friday night. But I digress.) That doesn’t mean, of course, that if a lady is OK with having a man open the car door for her or springing for the tab on a dinner date she’s betraying what it means to be a feminist – a true feminist isn’t ashamed to be feminine. That’s what being a strong woman is all about, and it’s a quality I’ve always been attracted to. In fact, if given the choice between a strong woman able to take care of herself with the confidence to tell me to get lost, or one who is dependent on others to help support and take care of her, I’ll take option A every time.

(Unless, of course, she’s attractive and covered in sushi. You can have the sushi (I don’t partake of raw fish), but I’ll take the girl.)

So if Ms. Psaki and Ms. Harf to me look absolutely over their heads, out of their league, weak, and a couple of uber-lightweights, it’s not that I’m not a feminist, it’s that I’m enough of a feminist to recognize neither of them are qualified for the level of seriousness and gravitas that their positions demand.

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A big hat tip to my bro Dave for his awesome Photoshop skills!