June 29, 2013

After weeks of speculation and rumors of infighting and internal dissention, an embattled yet defiant Goodboys 2013 Exec-Comm emerged from its secret bunker to release the final details on what promises to be one of the most intriguing and exciting Goodboys Invitational weekends in recent memory. In prepared statements read to a gathered national media over conference bridge, “2 Times” Proctor and “Possum” Shepter announced that this year’s Goodboys Invitational will be a three-day event to be played at The Ledges Golf Club in York, ME, Wentworth-By-The-Sea Country Club in Rye, NH, and Black Swan Country Club in Georgetown, MA.

While The Ledges has been part of the Goodboys rotation for the past few years, the selections of Wentworth-By-The-Sea and Black Swan caught more than a few veteran Goodboys observers by surprise. As Proctor mentioned in his statement, the choice of courses were not by accident. “For 22 years the Goodboys Invitational has demanded only the best from those privileged to have been a part of this sacred July tradition. Discipline, expertise, and derring-do have always been the hallmarks displayed by teams who have won the winner’s jackets and the hallowed Spielberg Memorial Trophy, and too much familiarity with a particular course or courses can lull one into a sense of… into a sense of…”

“Lullness”, interjected Shepter.

“Yes, lullness. The two new courses we have entered into the mix”, continued Proctor, “promise to challenge every Goodboy into being their best, and we believe they are the strongest and most diverse mix of courses ever chosen by any Exex-Comm – and yes, I am talking to all you prior Exec-Comms. This year’s slogan is ‘GET REAL’, and we are ‘getting real’ by introducing not only great courses, but a two-tiered system that will for the very first time in Goodboys history challenge not just our low handicappers, but our high handicappers to play their individual best.”

While choosing not to comment on the rumors of infighting, saying only that they were “overblown”, in his prepared remarks Shepter provided more detail on the two-tiered system being introduced for the benefit of both low-handicap and high-handicap Goodboys. “In past years, if the low handicappers wanted a good challenge, the higher handicap Goodboys had to suffer through a potentially disastrous and hard round of golf by playing from harder tees than they probably should have. This made for a miserable round for some, and occasional slow play. The opposite was also true: if all Goodboys played from tee boxes that were considered too easy for the high handicappers it led to disinterest and complaint. So this year, we’re going to use the handicap system the Goodboys have been using at MyScorecard.com to assign golfers to the proper tee box. This should keep the good golfers tested, the more challenged golfers sane, and the whole round moving a little bit better.”

The response from veteran Goodboys watchers was generally positive. Gaylord Pellrine, author of several papers on the Goodboys tradition, called the course selections “brilliant” and the proposed two-tiered system “audacious, and a long time in coming.” Three-time Goodboys champion Jay “Crusher” Spielberg, who retired from Goodboys play in 2010, called the two-tiered system “the most exciting thing I’ve seen since DelMonte started offering diced new potatoes in a can”, but wondered why it took the Goodboys so long to come up with such a practical and obvious solution of play. “Look, no one has ever accused the Goodboys of being nuclear physicists, but why it took 23 years for an Exec-Comm to come up with such a bold and innovative solution leaves one scratching one’s head, don’t you think?”

The response from those Goodboys who could be reached for comment was by and large positive. “Nice!” said “Cubby” Myerow. “Nice job.”, said “Killer” Kowalski. “The Funny Guy” Andrusaits issued the following statement: “Nice courses, nice job. Cubby and I (Team Ha-Ha) plan on going ha-ha on all you ha-has.” One Goodboy who requested anonymity, citing Exec-Comm’s “heavy-handed tactics” expressed cautious optimism, saying only, “A change in scenery is always good. As for the two-tiered system of play, “Of course it will all depend on where they draw the line; there are a lot of guys on the bubble between the blues and the whites.”

Perhaps the most unique response came from “Vegas” Clark, who telegraphed the following response from his Cape Cod home:

Just sitting here with the dog. STOP.
Staring into the rainy fog. STOP.
Glad I don’t jog. STOP.
Saw Chicago last night. STOP.
Those horns are still tight. STOP.
Classic love songs all right. STOP.
Mind wanders to the sea. STOP.
Hope I play the blue tee. STOP.
Goodboys is where I want to be. STOP.
Gotta go pee. STOP.

The 2013 Goodboys Invitational is scheduled for July 19-21, and will be broadcast on CBS Sports.

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