February 6, 2013

So I’m at the pizza joint down the street having a Pinot Grigio with my buddy Kevin, a regular there whom I haven’t seen for more than a year. He’s on a different job shift, and we’ve cut back on take-out big time while we flail away at our debt. He looks good, having dropped a good 30 lbs and it’s great to see him. He’s had a few tussles matrimony-wise and is doing what he can to keep his head above ground.

Kevin orders another small pitcher of Bud Light (I politely decline). He’s happy I came through my cancer surgery great and compliments me on how I look, saying I don’t look a day or two past retirement (something I take in good humor). I tell him you don’t marry twins and get away unscathed, but I also know that Tracey would probably say that there are parts of our marriage she didn’t necessarily sign up for, either. But such is life.

For whatever reason the topic gets around to things one might have done differently if we’d have a chance. Kevin’s surprised when I tell him that my life is full of regrets, and that I’ll go to my grave with regrets – more than just a few, in fact. But that’s OK, they’re my regrets and a part of my life. He tells me he’s always been afraid to admit to himself that he too has regrets; he’s afraid that to admit to regrets is to have somehow lived one’s life as a failure.

You see, I don’t see it that way. Anyone who says they’ve lived a life without regrets is fooling themselves. Me, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of things I might have done differently to have convinced the Bishop of Massachusetts, or the Diocese of Kentucky, or the Bishop of Georgia to admit me into the ordination process for the priesthood in the Episcopal Church. One can talk circumstances all they want, but the fact is (and especially in the case of Kentucky), I screwed up big-time and will never forgive myself for it. Does it mean I’m in some kind of life straitjacket unable to function and handle the basic responsibilities necessities of life? Of course not – I’m from a generation where you pick your ass up off the ground, dust yourself off, and start all over again.

Quite different from the generations that followed me, for sure.

Kevin thinks I’m foolish to carry that kind of a burden more than a decade out. But I’ve always felt life is meant to be lived to the fullest, and I don’t believe in sugarcoating anything. I’m not, nor ever have been satisfied, at just playing the game of life and just existing like so many people do. Warren Zevon once sang, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead”, and that’s always been my creed. I crave that moment of a soft breeze rusting the palm trees around the pool, or the tinking of the wind chimes on our patio, or the smell of green grass, or the happy sounds of golfers hitting balls on the range, or the taste of the Blessed Sacrament on my lips at Mass, or thunder in the distance, or rabbits munching happily on their lettuce at breakfast, or that soft quiet moment just before you fall to sleep. I don’t take any of these things for granted.

Are there things I wished I had done differently? You bet. Would I change the way things are now? Of course. But that doesn’t mean that now is bad or then was good or anything – that’s not the way the game of life is played. I’m not perfect – in fact, I’ve probably been trouble and a quite bastard more than a few times to those I love and care for. But one can’t change the past, you can only go forward. I’ll always hold me the one most accountable for everything that’s happened to me in my life, and that is where the regrets come from. And people who say they have no regrets in their lives are just fooling themselves.

Filed in: Uncategorized by The Great White Shank at 01:02 | Comments (4)
4 Comments »
  1. Were it not for Kentucky, you would not have had me as neighbor, found bunnies in your life or ended up in AZ with house that has a pool and more days for gold than you ever imagined. Were it not for you in Kentucky, I would never have found Martinis or two of the most amazing friends in the world. So you see, whatever did, or did not happen, in Kentucky had to be just as it was in order for you get to where you are now. I truly believe that all the good, the bad and the ugly has to happen in order for us to be where we are today. If one of those “pieces” were not there our present moment would be something entirely different. Once I retire, I promise to make a trip to visit, sit on your patio, be bedazzled by the pineapple lights and make you take me to the Grand Canyon. Love and miss you both and that is because you landed in Kentucky when you did.

    Comment by Jana — February 6, 2013 @ 5:32 am


  2. correct gold to golf, although golf nuts would equate golf with gold…I guess.

    Comment by Jana — February 6, 2013 @ 5:33 am


  3. “Regrets, I’ve had a few. But then again, too few to mention.

    I did what I had to do, and saw it through without exemption”

    One of my favorite songs, Doug, and I suspect one of yours as well. Love you, bro!

    Comment by Dave Richard — February 6, 2013 @ 6:31 am


  4. And if I remember right, the finale to the Sinatra concert at the Worcester Centrum.

    Comment by Dave Richard — February 6, 2013 @ 12:34 pm


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a comment


goodboys.jpg


Search The Site



Recent Items

Categories

Archives
October 2020
September 2020
August 2020
July 2020
June 2020
May 2020
April 2020
March 2020
February 2020
January 2020
December 2019
November 2019
October 2019
September 2019
August 2019
July 2019
June 2019
May 2019
April 2019
March 2019
February 2019
January 2019
December 2018
November 2018
October 2018
September 2018
August 2018
July 2018
June 2018
May 2018
April 2018
March 2018
February 2018
January 2018
December 2017
November 2017
October 2017
September 2017
August 2017
July 2017
June 2017
May 2017
April 2017
March 2017
February 2017
January 2017
December 2016
November 2016
October 2016
September 2016
August 2016
July 2016
June 2016
May 2016
April 2016
March 2016
February 2016
January 2016
December 2015
November 2015
October 2015
September 2015
August 2015
July 2015
June 2015
May 2015
April 2015
March 2015
February 2015
January 2015
December 2014
November 2014
October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
February 2014
January 2014
December 2013
November 2013
October 2013
September 2013
August 2013
July 2013
June 2013
May 2013
April 2013
March 2013
February 2013
January 2013
December 2012
November 2012
October 2012
September 2012
August 2012
July 2012
June 2012
May 2012
April 2012
March 2012
February 2012
January 2012
December 2011
November 2011
October 2011
September 2011
August 2011
July 2011
June 2011
May 2011
April 2011
March 2011
February 2011
January 2011
December 2010
November 2010
October 2010
September 2010
August 2010
July 2010
June 2010
May 2010
April 2010
March 2010
February 2010
January 2010
December 2009
November 2009
October 2009
September 2009
August 2009
July 2009
June 2009
May 2009
April 2009
March 2009
February 2009
January 2009
December 2008
November 2008
October 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
December 2007
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006


Blogroll

Syndication

4 Goodboys Only

Site Info