[Ed. Note: I received this post by e-mail the other day and am posting to put the rest of the Goodboys on notice that we're, er, being "occupied". Guess that makes us oh-so-au currant. Enjoy!]
Hi. I’m Bob “Bogeyman” Bogart, a 37-handicapper out of Constipated Quail G.C. in McDonnellville, Arkansas, and I am now officially cyber-occupying Goodboys Nation. Got my tent, my hand-crafted sign on cardboard, and this website for all the attention I need. Why occupy Goodboys Nation, you ask? Simply put, the current crop of Goodboys, and by association, the elites at Goodboys Nation weblog, are the 1% and I’m speaking for the 99% out there who want to be Goodboys and a part of Goodboys Nation but can’t. And why? Simply put, greed. Their very status as Goodboys has nothing to do with talent, compassion, inclusivity, tolerance, diversity, or people’s rights. It has everything to do with who you know, what you can afford, and how competent you are at golf. And it has to stop.
I’ve looked back at Goodboys history and see there have been 21 – count ‘em, 21! – Goodboys events, but only 35 or so people TOTAL who have participated in those events. And why? What have those golfers every done to warrant or deserve being a Goodboy? Heck, I’m just as qualified to be a Goodboy as anyone. I drink and enjoy beer. I’m not great at golf but certainly good enough. I don’t have a job – to me it just sounds like too much work, you know – but my parents will spring for whatever cost it takes. I have a MA in Liberal Arts and hope to get my Ph.D in Rock Mechanics Modeling someday. I’m told by my mother (at least whenever I come out from my basement bedroom) that I’d make some girl a great husband some day. I don’t have a girlfriend right now, but there is that cute cute girl who frequents the same bar I do down the street that I’ve been trying to make eye contact with for the past two years. So that’s a possibility right there!
I have chosen to occupy Goodboys Nation and this weblog until the overbearing, overzealous, and autocratic Goodboys “Exec-Comm” (that’s them in the picture to your right) relinquishes its power and hands it back to the people where the power belongs. And believe me, I’m speaking truth to power.
In short, here are my demands:
1. Re-brand “Goodboys” as “GoodPeople” to make it more inclusive through its new commitment to gender-neutrality and equality.
2. Eliminate the term “Invitational” from the annual Goodboys golf weekend. Starting in 2012, the 22nd annual “GoodPeople Open” will enourage greater participation by the 99% and a bring a sense of fairness and equality – something that has never been a hallmark of the Goodboys. Come 2012, everyone who wants to can participate. “PEOPLE RULE, GOODBOYS DROOL.”
3. Replace the current autocratic Executive Committee (a.k.a., “Exec-Comm”) with a new “Ministry for Equality and Inclusion”. The role of the MEI will be to ensure that no one is turned away from being a GoodPeople on the basis of race, creed, color, sexual orientation, or length of time as a virgin. In fact, one of the ultimate goals of the MEI will be to review whether the use of the “GoodPeople” brand is in and of itself insensitive in its own right to the plants and animals that make golf courses as attractive as they are; I recommend ultimately use of the inclusive “Good” as the name of the nation we will all belong to. Because, as Pat Benatar once sang:
We belong to the light
We belong to the thunder
We belong to the sound of the words
We’ve both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace
For worse or for better
We belong, we belong
We belong together
Isn’t that beautiful? So accepting. So tolerant. So inclusive. I want to cry…
4. That the new “GoodPeople” brand promotes healthy lifestyle choices during Open weekends. Restaurants will only be chosen only if they provide heart-healthy items on the menu. Otherwise, they’ll be occupied as well. While smoking and the consumption of alcoholic beverages will not be outlawed (at least initially), they will most certainly be discouraged since such practices only fattens the coffers of huge corporations, not to mention the fact that the use of these kinds of products that prey on the ignorant and the poor.
5. All participants in the “GoodPeoples Open” will be required to play environmentally-friendly, recycled golf balls. Given the overwhelming evidence (so overwhelming, in fact, I need not link to the studies) that golf ball manufacturers contribute to the burning of fossil fuels and the warming of the planet, it’s just the right thing to do. If I have to choose between losing 30 yards off my drives or a polar bear trapped on a disintegrating iceberg, how can any “GoodPerson” choose the latter?
6. That the new “GoodPeople” brand will eliminate competition in all of its manifestations, including the nature of the golf that is played. No more “pigeon sheet” betting. No more humiliation bets. Rather than the the bourgeoisie notion of a “champion team” crowned through the dehumanizing notion of “winners and losers”, encourage the fullest participation of the masses by promoting first and foremost the goals of fun, fellowship, and fairness.
7. Rather than stay at swank hotels owned by capitalists only interested in fattening the wallets of their shareholders, “GoodPeople Open” participants will instead occupy the parking lots of the golf courses we will play until they’re forced to allow us to play for free. After all, these establishments made all their money by granting playing privileges to the 1%; now it’s our turn!!!!
It’s time for the Goodboys Nation to become a true nation of the proleteriat. Until you fully and publicly submit to these demands, consider yourself “occupied”.
[Ed. note: I've taken Mr. Bogart's concerns directly to Mike "Vegas" Clark and Ben "The Funny Guy" Andrusaitis, your current Goodboys Invitational champions and thus, Goodboys "Exec Comm", and here is their pithy response.]