If there’s one thing I absolutely detest about politicians is their incessant use of so-called “letters” they supposedly have received from children all over the U.S. about whatever cause they happen to feel passionate about. During today’s healthcare “summit”, all you heard from President Obama and his fellow Democrats were heart-tugging letters they’d received from children all across the country – children afraid they’re parents were going to die because they didn’t have health insurance or something to that effect.

If it wasn’t little Johnny writing about how his mother is dying because those mean insurance companies turned her down while some CEO is taking his top sales people on a $14 million sales retreat in Vegas, it’s little Sally writing that her parents’ farm is going to be turned into a WalMart, or little Jose wailing about, because of global warming, his father is buying up every piece of Iowa property he can find in the hopes of someday turning it into beachfront property.

I mean, give me a break.

Well, it’s not as if The Great White Shank doesn’t receive letters from children all across the U.S. every single day – of course I do, I’m just hesitant to publish them because they’re just so raw and so honest they’d break your heart. But after hearing all the sob stories carted out by the Democrats today, I feel that, in the interest of full disclosure and journalistic integrity, I must. Here are just a few samples:

Amanda from Cedar Rapids, Iowa writes:

Halo Great White – I’m three months old and I hear my parents making funny sounds from their bedroom while playing Barry Manilow’s “Greatest Hits” CD all the time. How come you haven’t included Barry’s “Copacabana” on your “Tropical Breezes” MP3. Isn’t that song tropical enough for you?

Hmmm… somehow that song just never made the cut. Thanks Amanda.

Kat from Boise, Idaho writes:

Dear Mr. Shank,
I em fore years old. Do you agree with the majority of nuclear physicists that slashing the half-life of an alpha emitter by embedding it in a metal and cooling the metal to a few degrees kelvin could therefore avoid the need to bury nuclear waste in deep repositories, like, say, in Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid‘s state of Nevada?

Ummm… I have no response to that, Kat – sorry!

Misty from Nag’s Head, North Carolina writes:

Dear Great White Shank –
Please help my brother Bobby. He’s only 19, but as a result of reading your blog he’s now developed an unhealthy relationship towards the Ronettes and spends every day fantasizing about them singing “Baby, I Love You” to him while he soaks in a bathtub wearing the same Stetson John Wayne wore in “True Grit” on his head. Any suggestions?

Yeah, so, what seems to be the problem?

Dharma from Venice, California writes:

Dude, I’m only two years old, but it doesn’t take an adult or genius to figure out that you’re real problem is that Brian Wilson’s ‘Til I Die has warped your subconscious so much that you and your soul will never be anything in life but a rolling stone. Get over it, dude!

You got me pegged there, Dharma. Rock on, dude!

Harry from Watertown, New York writes:

Dear Sirs –
Please accept this communication as sufficient notification that I am hereby cancelling my subscription to Highlights Magazine. Now that I’m five, my tastes have matured to the point where your publication ceases to thrill me. Do you publish Soldier of Fortune magazine?

Err….

Bobby from Texarkana, Texas writes:

Dear Great White Shank –
I’m nearly ten months old and my daddy is wondering when Top Priority’s single “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” is going to be released. Also, what will the flip side be? Has that been decided yet?

Glad you asked that question, Bobby – we should have a major announcement coming out on that next week.