See, here’s the way I see it: everybody loves polar bears, right? And everyone wants to save the habitat of polar bears, right?

And everyone loves baby seals, right?

The unfortunate thing is, polar bears also love baby seals – for dinner, that is. And everyone knows that’s not cool in this multicultural, tolerance-loving, diversity-accepting day and age, right? I mean, what threat does a cute little baby harp seal pose to a big lumbering polar bear? None, right?

So back off, Mr. PB – that’s what I say. Back off!

OK, so here’s why I think global warming is not only important, but necessary: if we can get the Arctic permafrost to warm up enough so that we can plant, oh, I don’t know, arugula, red leaf lettuce, romaine lettuce, scallions, maybe some celery and carrots, maybe we can convince polar bears to become vegans and eat slads instead of baby harp seals.

Sure, there might be some issues with the resulting decline of the arctic ice, but over time polar bears will see their start to fur thin out because they won’t need heavy fur coats anymore. And that will be good for them, because then people would be less likely to want to use their pelts for living room rugs. And there’ll be no need for them to winter in Florida anymore since it’ll be plenty warm enough up there.

To me it seems like a win-win situation all around: more bears with less fur, more baby harp seals, less meat-eating on the planet. Good more everyone, right?

…now back to my veal cutlets.