April 24, 2009

7:15 PM. The air temperature is 92 degrees; the pool temperature 79.5. The pineapple lights bathe the patio in a soft, happy yellow light. My workday isn’t finished yet – I’ve got still two India calls to get through, and there’s a bug in my glass of Pinot Grigio I feel compelled to rescue.

I’m not afraid to admit it – I’m swishing around in the water as the dusk starts to close in all around me, and tonight I’m feeling that darkness in a different way than I’m accustomed to. The demons have returned in a big way, and I’m feeling disoriented and lost – spritually, physically, mentally.

I’ve got the Tropical Breezes mp3 going and Jimmy Buffett’s rendition of Bruce Cockburn’s marvelous “Pacing The Cage” comes on, and I can only think about how Cockburn’s lyrics absolutely nail the way I’m feeling tonight – not just in my own wayward walk with God, but everything in my life right now. Call it from my stereo speakers to God’s ears:

Sunset is an angel weeping
Holding out a bloody sword
No matter how I squint I cannot
Make out what it’s pointing toward
Sometimes you feel like you’ve lived too long, the days drip slowly on the page
And you catch yourself
Pacing the cage

I’ve proved who I am so many times,
The magnetic strip’s worn thin
And each time I was someone else
And everyone was taken in.
Powers chatter in high places
Stir up eddies in the dust of rage
Set me to pacing the cage.

I never knew what you all wanted
So I gave you everything.
All that I could pillage
All the spells that I could sing
It’s as if the thing were written
In the constitution of the age
Sooner or later you’ll wind up
Pacing the cage

Sometimes the best map will not guide you
You can’t see what’s round the bend.
Sometimes the road leads through dark places
Sometimes the darkness is your friend.
Today these eyes scan bleached-out land,
For the coming of the outbound stage.
Pacing the cage.

Dark places. Darkness. Outbound stage. Abandonment. The Cross – it’s always there. But tonight it’s more than that, it’s all-encompassing, in my brain, my blood, my bones. I not only can’t shake it, I don’t want to shake it. So I embrace the darkness.

I truly wish there were some outbound stage, but I know the ticket I’d want to have punched for ain’t a destination that exists. It’s a place called “Peace With Yourself”, and it’s a location I know I’ll go to my grave never finding. Why? Who knows – maybe it’s just the way the genes are organized, or the brain is wired. Either way, it’s an all too familiar place I find myself trapped in, one I’ve grown all too accustomed to. Talk about the darkness being your friend…

Brian Wilson knew this place all too well – that’s where the marvelous Pet Sounds. Just goes to show how you can have what seems from the outside to be everything anyone would ever want in life and still find yourself unable to escape whatever darkness it is that either exists or that you make for yourself.

Phew. I’m glad the next song that comes on is Alan Jackson’s “It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere”. Guess your mp3 player is like your life, you just move on…

Filed in: Uncategorized by The Great White Shank at 00:34 | Comment (1)
1 Comment »
  1. I think someone once said, “It’s always darkest before the dawn”. Maybe a silent retreat in Sedona is in order. I have begun to trust the notion of asking for what I want and sending out to the “Universe”/God. I make it a daily mantra/prayer.

    Comment by Jana — April 25, 2009 @ 4:32 am


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a comment


goodboys.jpg


Search The Site



Recent Items

Categories

Archives
February 2020
January 2020
December 2019
November 2019
October 2019
September 2019
August 2019
July 2019
June 2019
May 2019
April 2019
March 2019
February 2019
January 2019
December 2018
November 2018
October 2018
September 2018
August 2018
July 2018
June 2018
May 2018
April 2018
March 2018
February 2018
January 2018
December 2017
November 2017
October 2017
September 2017
August 2017
July 2017
June 2017
May 2017
April 2017
March 2017
February 2017
January 2017
December 2016
November 2016
October 2016
September 2016
August 2016
July 2016
June 2016
May 2016
April 2016
March 2016
February 2016
January 2016
December 2015
November 2015
October 2015
September 2015
August 2015
July 2015
June 2015
May 2015
April 2015
March 2015
February 2015
January 2015
December 2014
November 2014
October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
February 2014
January 2014
December 2013
November 2013
October 2013
September 2013
August 2013
July 2013
June 2013
May 2013
April 2013
March 2013
February 2013
January 2013
December 2012
November 2012
October 2012
September 2012
August 2012
July 2012
June 2012
May 2012
April 2012
March 2012
February 2012
January 2012
December 2011
November 2011
October 2011
September 2011
August 2011
July 2011
June 2011
May 2011
April 2011
March 2011
February 2011
January 2011
December 2010
November 2010
October 2010
September 2010
August 2010
July 2010
June 2010
May 2010
April 2010
March 2010
February 2010
January 2010
December 2009
November 2009
October 2009
September 2009
August 2009
July 2009
June 2009
May 2009
April 2009
March 2009
February 2009
January 2009
December 2008
November 2008
October 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
December 2007
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006


Blogroll

Syndication

4 Goodboys Only

Site Info