Coming to a late-night infomercial on a cable network near you soon…

Palm trees blowing in a soft evening breeze. A blazing sun melting into the ocean, the sky around it lit in shades of purple and fuchsia. Hot chicks and cold boat drinks. The midnight buffets. What is your Caribbean dream? Is it golf on an island paradise? An all-inclusive vacation in the British West Indies? A favorite cruise you might have taken out of San Juan or Miami? Well, now that dream can once again be yours in music. This, my friends, is “Tropical Breezes”.

[shaking her hips] Coochie-coochie!

I’m Doug “The Great White Shank” Richard of Goodboys Nation weblog fame, here to introduce you to the latest mp3 mix we’ve created just for you. It’s called “Tropical Breezes”, named after the Dish Network music channel I lost when I converted to DirecTV more than a year ago. Tropical Breezes then was a mix of 40% Caribbean steel-drum music and 60% mellow Jimmy Buffett tunes, and it quickly became a favorite of mine back in those days when the work I was assigning out went only to North American resources; the days when India meant the Taj Mahal, or Gandhi, or Mother Teresa – not an additional ten people and 16-hour workdays. But I digress…

16-hour workdays? You must be loco.

I’m here with Charo, legendary entertainer of stage and TV screen, and we’re here to introduce you to The Great White Shank’s “Tropical Breezes” mp3 mix. Seven – count ’em, seven! – hours of the most dreamy, enjoyable music ever created, bound to put you in a relaxed state of mind no matter how hectic your life might be or how much work you have to ship offshore out of fear of losing your gainful employment status.

That’s right, you Great White Shank, “Tropical Breezes” not only has a whole “coochie-coochie” mix of Caribbean steel drum music by the likes of Al and Alfred’s St. John’s Trinidad Tobago Steelband, Bamboushay Steel Band, Jamaican Steel Band, Steelasophical, and, of course, the Bermuda Strollers, but other talented steel drum artists like David Shelly, Doug Walker, Robert Symons, and Ken Arnsbarger (just to name a few). And there’s plenty of mellow Jimmy Buffett tunes to wile away a lazy afternoon with, such as “Come Monday”, “A Pirate Looks At Forty”, “Love In The Library”, “Floridays” (a personal favorite), “Havana Daydreamin'”, “Margaritaville”, and of course, “Volcano”.

But that’s not all, Charo, because in creating this mix we also put on some fine music by other artists – some of which you might be surprised at. The Beach Boys’ “Kokomo”. Simon & Garfunkel’s wonderful latin-flavored “So Long, Frank Lloyd Wright” (from their “Bridge Over Troubled Water” album), Chicago’s “Wishing You Were Here” (featuring The Beach Boys’ Carl Wilson, Dennis Wilson, and Al Jardine), The Sandpipers’ “Guantanamera”, Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass’ “Flamingo”, Chris Isaak’s “South Of The Border” and “Yellow Bird” (from his fine “Baja Sessions” CD), the late great Stan Getz’s “Desafinado” and “The Girl From Ipanema” (with Astrid Gilberto), Ub40’s “Red, Red Wine”, and, of course, that anthem to burnt-out employees everywhere, Alan Jackson’s “It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere”. They’re all right here, ready for your listening pleasure. Make me a Pina Colata!

Hey dumb Great White Shank, aren’t you also forgetting some of the other great music you’ve put on this mp3? You’ve got a whole bunch of reggae classics like “One Love”, “I Shot The Sheriff”, and “Jammin”, all by the band Reggae Beat, as well as a bunch of tracks from the Martini Kings’ “Tikis And Bikinis” CD and Drew’s Famous Party Music – Authentic Luau Aloha CD. Coochie-coochie! You even have a couple of classic Jackie Gleason arrangements, “Melancholy Serenade” (used to open his classic TV show) and “Lawrence of Arabia”, as well as David Lee Roth’s classic remake of “California Girls”, featuring a prominent Carl Wilson background vocal (and one of the best music videos ever made – crank it up!).

Charo, you could spend up to 4 or 5 trillion dollars – President Barack Obama‘s budget for the next two months – trying to collect all this music, but The Great White Shank has painstakingly collected it all right here, in one place, for your enjoyment! Play it on your patio, or by the lake, or on a 6-hr. cross-country flight while seated between two 350-lb passengers. No matter where you are, “Tropical Breezes” is bound to take you away to the Caribbean island of your dreams! And not even Nancy Pelosi or Barney Frank can legislate it away from you!

And Great Wet Shank, the best thing is, if you act now, you get all this wonderful music and the Create Zen Stone MP3 player these songs reside on for $19.95 plus $895 in shipping and handling. Not available in California, New York, Hawaii, or the People’s Republic of Cambridge (MA) – otherwise, those libs would tax your ass off! But they won’t get mine [shaking her hips] coochie-coochie!

Are you watching, camera guy? That’s right, Charo. Folks, don’t delay – order your “Tropical Breezes” mp3 collection today. Here’s how!