My wife’s cell phone rang at 6:15 AM this morning. No big deal, I was already 1 1/2 hours into my workday – that’s right, it’s bad enough I’ve been working late nights, now they want to take my early mornings! – so I was wide awake when I picked up the phone.

[He]: Hello, is [sister-in-law’s name here] there?

[Me]: Umm, do you know what time it is?

[He]: This is [name withheld] from Aaron’s Leasing in Inverness, Florida. Is there a [sister-in-law’s name here] there?

[Me]: Well, at 6:15 AM in the morning I’m not sure anyone’s really “there” (if you know what I mean)…

[He (obviously not getting the hint)]: Is she available?

[Me]: No she’s not, she hasn’t lived here for over a year. I don’t know where she is.

[He]: Well, do you have a number where I can reach her?

[Me]: No I don’t, sorry.

[He]: Have you spoken to her recently?

[Me (telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth but offering no more info than that]: No I haven’t. (Not mentioning, of course, that my wife spoke to her sister last weekend, but that’s not what he asked…)

[He]: Do you know why I am calling?

[Me]: Is this one of those Publisher’s Clearinghouse calls to say she’s won a million bucks or something? Because if it is you can just send the check to me and I’ll be more than happy to take care of it until I hear…

[He]: Do you know a [former brother-in-law scumbag’s name here]?

[Me]: Haven’t spoken to him in at least ten years. last time I heard, he was either running a Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise or – no, that’s not right – he was attempting to street-sell his wife’s Oxycondin to strangers out in front of a Kentucky Fried Chicken – yeah that’s right…

[He]: You understand this is a serious matter, don’t you? I really need to get in touch with her.

[Me]: Hey pal, at 6:15 in the morning the only thing serious is a call from my mother or father, or both – y’understand, right? Lemme ask you somethin’ – how’d you get this number?

[He]: Well there’s this matter that needs to be resolved and this number was given as a reference.

[Me]: That figures.

[He]: What figures?

[Me]: The ‘Sun-shiney State For Shady People’.

[He]: Excuse me?

[Me]: That what they call Florida. Nothing I hear from there surprises me anymore. ‘Course, nothing I’m hearing from you surprises me either…

[He]: So you’ve heard from [sister-in-law]?

[Me]: No, but I watch “Cops” reruns a lot.

(phone goes dead)