TO: Senator Barack Obama

FROM: The Great White Shank

RE: Getting Your Groove Back

I know what you’re thinking – why should I listen to someone called The Great White Shank? Heck, you’re undoubtedly thinking, not even the other Goodboys listen to The Great White Shank. And the fact I’m not even remotely connected with politics gives you yet another reason to turn a deaf ear to what I have to say. But if you really, really want to win this Presidential election, you’ll listen to me and listen NOW. After all, there’s just a little over seven weeks to go until Election Day, and, if you don’t mind me saying, your campaign right now is flat-footed and totally off-stride since John McCain tagged Sarah Palin to be his running mate. Word on the street is you don’t take advice from others easily – especially people you don’t know. But like I say, if you want to win this election you’ll listen to me. Consider this The Great White Shank’s 5-point plan to victory…

1. Stop running against Sarah Palin. The idiots in the mainstream dino-media are falling all over themselves over Governor Palin’s perceived lack of experience. But understand: this is a no-win strategy for you. So what if she was mayor of a small city in Alaska. So what if Alaska, while the biggest state in the union is hardly the most populous. You want to compare your experience as a so-called “community organizer”, a state senator, and 1/3 term U.S. Senator and claim that as greater experience? Suggestion: Forget about Sarah Palin. Don’t even mention her in speeches or interviews. Your eye has to be on John McCain and only John McCain, and the vision of one U.S. Senator vs. another’s. At least that way you compete as equals.

2. Stop the anti-Palin insanity. The problem with all the anti-Palin hatred and hysteria from the elitists, feminists, and chardonnay-sucking girly men in the mainstream dino-media is that they can’t help themselves and therefore keep Palin front and center. This makes it difficult for you in two ways: 1) Palin remains the focus, and while she remains the focus you can’t get your message out; 2) it makes it look as if you’re running against Sarah Palin and not John McCain. That’s a battle you can’t win, because all it does is diminish you in stature while McCain gets a free pass. This has got to stop. Suggestion: I’d have your people spend the next couple of days calling all your buds in the mainstream dino-media and the entertainment industry, and those foam-at-the-mouth left-wing bloggers at the Daily Kos and tell them to go to black – er, pardon the expression.

3. Remember what got you here in the first place. Don’t you remember those heady days of December, January, and February? You acted like a different politician, spoke a message many people thirsted for. Remember? You were going to run a different kind of campaign, one that was going to transform American politics. So what happened to that eloquent, dynamic man of ideas and ideals? Did you leave all that back in Germany? I only ask because since you’ve returned you’ve become just another politician – negative, surly, and always on the defensive. Suggestion: Return to a campaign of ideas. Get back to issues and how your proposals will impact the average voter. Most importantly, become a “policy wonk” in the debates – people need to know your own lack of experience hasn’t stopped you from thinking big and outside the box.

4. Bring your own babe out on the campaign trail. McCain has his, you have yours. Send Joe Biden off to do his own campaigning thing and increase Michelle Obama’s exposure. After all, she has her own alternative female view of America, one that will help energize your base in the same way as Palin has done for McCain’s.Suggestion: For the next seven weeks make sure America sees Michelle as your regular partner on the campaign stops.

5. It’s the economy, stupid. Pocketbook issues are your strength, so stick with them. It’s what you’re most comfortable and articulate with, anyways. Avoid foreign affairs (outside, of course, of praising our men and women in uniform at every stop. Besides, you can’t win against McCain on that issue – you can worry about that once you’re in the Oval Office. Suggestion: Make the economy your sole focal point for the remainder of the campaign. Talk about every aspect of it, not just in terms of what’s happening today but where America will be after four years of an Obama presidency. ‘Cause people – epecially independents – are wanting to know.

Well there you have it, Barack, your keys to winning this election. It’s amazing you have to fight for it at this point – after all, all the winds of change have been blowing in the Democrats direction all year. You should be up at least ten points in the polls right now, but you’re not, so the last seven weeks are going to have to be a battle to the finish. If you follow these directions you’ll do just fine, I think. Regardless of what recent polls say, this election is still yours to lose, so make it happen.

Oh, two final minor suggestions:

If I were you I wouldn’t waste my time attacking McCain at all, all that does is make you look like just another politician (something you originally promised you wouldn’t be, remember?).

And do not – I repeat, DO NOT – reach out to the Clintons – Hillary or Bill – to go on the campaign trail on your behalf. Regardless of any lip service they might pay you, they are liars and do not have your best interests at heart. They are poison to you and your cause , so avoid them like the plague. Kow-tow to them at your own risk.

All the best,
The Great White Shank

P.S. If you ever feel the need to talk or just need more advice, let me know. I’m always here.