“Greetings, Mr. and Mrs. Sports Fan all across America and the ships at sea. I’m Biff Bulkie, reporting live from stately, majestic Augusta National Golf Club, home of The Masters. Ablaze with the colors of spring and dressed in a vast virtual cornucopia of colors blessed by the dogwoods and azaleas, this annual rite of spring played amidst this cathedral of nature beckons visitors and players from all over the world – the players seeking that Holy Grail of professional golf – the hallowed Green Jacket.”

[momentary pause] “Er, I’ll have mine neat… merci beaucoups. Mmn now where was I? Oh yes.. [clears throat]

“Returning from its annual voyage across the Equator from the outer reaches of the Southern Hemisphere, the sun has brought with it the springtime of our dreams and kisses these hallowed – oops, I already used that adjective, or is it an adverb? – I mean these sacred grounds, providing a most exquisite setting for the drama that will undoubtedly unfold this weekend. The course itself is the star here: Amen Corner, Firethorn, Chinese Dogwood, Redbud, the Butler Cabin, the Eisenhower Tree – these words roll off the tongue like those great champions of golf’s golden age – Jones, Palmer, Nicklaus, Kowalski, Faldo, Woods.”

“And speaking of woods, did I ever tell you about the time The Great White Shank was playing a round with a few of the Goodboys one Saturday at Stow Acres Gold Club – this was ages ago – and left his 7-iron hanging from a pine tree? You wanna hear a great story… it was the most amazing, er, huh…?”

[momentary pause, clears throat]

“And so the world awaits to see what this storied event portends to serve up as this coming weekend unfolds. Will Tiger win yet another green jacket? Will Zach Johnson repeat? Will Paul ‘Possum’ Shepter and Steve ‘Killer’ Kowalski mail their $100 Goodboys Invitational deposits to The Great White Shank? Only Sunday will tell. They call Saturday “moving day” at Augusta. I believe I’m about to be moved out of the golf commentator’s role here at Goodboys Nation weblog.”

“This is Biff Bulkie, signing off from beautiful Augusta National. And remember, if you can’t be a good sport, at least wear a good sportscoat.”