CREATED BY A TEAM OF AMERICAN AND FORMER NAZI SCIENTISTS LEFT OVER FROM THE CASTING LOT OF WHERE ALL THOSE GREAT GODZILLA AND RODAN MOVIES OF THE ’50S WERE FILMED, THE J.D. DREW STATUE IS A LIFE-LIKE REPLICA OF THE BOSTON RED SOX RIGHT FIELDER – WHO, AT THIS LATE JUNCTURE IN THE MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL SEASON IS HITTING A MIGHTY .260 WITH 8 HOMERS, 52 – COUNT ‘EM, 52 – RUNS BATTED IN, AND A WHOPPING .365 SLUGGING PERCENTAGE!

THINK OF ALL THE USES YOU’LL FIND FOR YOUR J.D. DREW STATUE. IMAGINE THE JOY OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS PRETENDING TO BE THEIR FAVORITE BIG-LEAGUE PITCHER, THROWING STRIKES BY HIM WITHOUT EVER WORRYING ABOUT BEING HIT! OR AS A CONVERSATION PIECE THAT’LL BE THE ENVY OF YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD! AND, OF COURSE, THE BAT FOREVER FROZEN ON HIS SHOULDER, ESPECIALLY WITH A 3-2 COUNT AND THE BASES LOADED IN A CRITICAL GAME SITUATION, ALWAYS MAKES A HANDY COAT RACK TO HANG YOUR WINTER COAT FROM.

SIMILAR OFFERS FOR BOTTOM-OF-THE-LINEUP, BOTTOM-FEEDING BANJO HITTERS GO FOR AROUND $600-800 THOUSAND FOR A ONE-YEAR CONTRACT WITH OPTIONS AND INCENTIVES. BUT WITH THIS SPECIAL TV OFFER YOU GET THE J.D. DREW STATUE FOR FOUR – COUNT ‘EM, FOUR – YEARS, PLUS THE JOY OF HAVING TO NEGOTIATE WITH HIS AGENT, THE CLEVER AND RUTHLESS SCOTT BORAS, FOR ONLY $14.4 MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR, WITH A TEAM OPTION FOR A FIFTH TO BOOT!

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. ORDER ONE J.D. DREW STATUE AND YOU’LL GET A FREE “TERRY FRANCOMA” MANAGER DOLL. USE THE FRANCOMA MANAGER TO SIT AT YOUR DINNER TABLE EVERY NIGHT, REPEATING OVER AND OVER HOW PROUD HE IS OF YOUR YOUNGSTERS, NO MATTER HOW WELL THEY DO IN SCHOOL OR HOW MANY OLD LADIES THEY MUGGED ON THEIR WAY TO THE MALL THAT DAY! OR, AS A MANAGER OF YOUR OWN BIG-LEAGUE BALLCLUB, WATCH HIM LET HIS OWN HIGHLY-PAID PLAYERS MAKE OUT THE LINEUP DAY-IN AND DAY-OUT, REGARDLESS OF HOW WELL OR HOW POORLY THEY PERFORM WHILE HE SITS ON HIS KEYSTER SPITTING OUT SUNFLOWER SEEDS WITH THE SAME DUMB AND EMOTIONLESS LOOK ON HIS FACE!

BUT YOU HAVE TO ACT NOW! YOU GET THE J.D. DREW STATUE AND THE FRANCOMA DOLL ALL FOR ONE UNBELIEVABLY LOW PRICE. AND IF YOU ORDER IN THE NEXT 10 MINUTES, YOU’LL GET A FREE 60-MINUTE VIDEO OF PAT BENATAR SINGING HER HIT, “LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD”! MAKE YOUR DOGS HOWL AT NIGHT TO KEEP THAT PESKY NEIGHBOR AWAKE! WATCH YOUR KIDS RUN AND HIDE UNDER THE SOFA AS IF PRACTICING A “DUCK AND COVER” DRILL FROM THE COLD WAR YEARS! WATCH RED SOX RELIEVER ERIC GAGNE BLOW ANOTHER GAME WHILE YOUR FRANCOMA DOLL SITS ON HIS BUTT AND LETS IT ALL UNFOLD!