You know, all the inmates at Goodboys Nation love long-time Goodboy Ron “Cubby” Myerow. Not only is he a former Goodboys Invitational champion, but he’s also an avid Boston sports fan and a keen observer of the Boston sports scene. Now, while we’ve always known him as a multi-faceted and amazingly complex individual, none of us ever figured him for a man of prose.

(Now before I go any further, if you’ve never seen the movie “Jaws” about 1,500 times, and can’t impress your boss and/or your loved ones with an on-the-spot, 100% accurate recitation of Robert Shaw’s classic “U.S.S. Indianapolis” monologue in his role as Quint the shark hunter, you might want to just move on to your next weblog surfing destination, ’cause you just won’t get what follows. Or, more accurately, you’ll think this weblog has finally left all traces of rational thought and substance behind. Because, at least for today, it has.)

Yesterday, the Nation was treated to a marvelous and adventurous piece of prose by Cubby Myerow. It came via e-mail from out of the blue, but it could have come straight from The Great Gazoo himself. What we got was Cubby’s own version of yet another famous “Quint” monologue from “Jaws” – the one when he first meets the assembled townfolk of Amity Island and presents them with his offer to catch and kill the Great White Shark menacing their vacation hotspot around the 4th of July. I don’t need to provide that soliloquy to you – as “Jaws” fans, you already know it! So, without further adieu, here’s Cubby’s own handiwork for your enjoyment:

Y’all know me. Know how I earn a livin’.

I’ll par the “Starboard” course for you, but it ain’t gonna be easy.
Not like going down to the pond and chasing bluegills and tommycocks.
This course, swallow you whole. No shakin’, no tenderizin’, down you go.
Put all your businesses on a payin’ basis. But it’s not gonna be pleasant.
I value my game a lot more than $100 bucks, boys.

The par 5 on the ninth hole, I’ll birdie for $200, eagle it for $300.
But you’ve gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay alive, then ante up.
If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter.
I don’t want no volunteers, I don’t want no mates,
there’s too many captains on this course.

After I win, we go to the vineyard I catch ya some salmon, cheap $10 a piece.
For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.

William Shakespeare, eat your heart out! All this is gonna do is make him even more irresistable from a girl’s point of view, but Cub’s too sage to get all excited over something as esoteric as female companionship – at least to where it would be noticed, anyways…

But Cub wasn’t through. Today we were graced with yet another e-mail containing another, albeit smaller, smaller Cubby gem: this time, a take-off on Quint’s little rhyme as he’s loading up his boat to go after the shark. He’s trying to shock Chief Brody’s wife, so he says:

“Here lies the body of Mary Lee. Died at the age of 103.
For fifteen years she kept her virginity. Not a bad record for this vicinity.”

Now check out Cubby’s version:

“Met a girl at Harry’s named Sarah Lee, said she would live to 103.
All this time she kept her virginity, until Cubby came within her vicinity.”

Heh. Yep, our Cubby is one smooth character. We always thought there was some hidden genius behind that ‘aw, shucks’, mild-mannered hunk of Goodboy, and now we know. And Cubby, there’s no more hiding for you. Now you have a reputation. Now it’s, as Fox News’ own Greta Van Susteren is wont to say, ‘on the record’.