July 13, 2007

goose [Announcer:] “…With just one week to go before the 2007 Goodboys Invitational, how are the Goodboys preparing for their upcoming tournament, and what team stands the best chance of winning? Also, is Michelle Wie, a.k.a., “The Quitter” washed up before she’s even old enough for the rinse cycle? And, what will Goodboy Paul “Possum” Shepter be wearing when he takes the first tee a week from Saturday at the grueling Starboard Course at The Captains G.C. on beautiful Cape Cod? All this and more on this week’s The Grey Goose 19th Hole!”

Iain: “Good evening. I’m Iain Page, and along with me here is Charles Davis and Steve ‘The Big Dog’ Duemig.”

Charles: “Hello! Bartender, another Cosmopolitan please…”

Big Dog: “I think Michelle Wie is nothing but a spoiled brat who, by trying to play with the big boys, has ruined her golf swing to the point where she’s now reduced herself to pretty much the female equivalent of Ian Baker-Finch. And it’s not just me who thinks so, Goodboy Doug ‘The Great White Shank’ Richard thinks so as well.”

Iain: “Er, we’ll get to that in a moment, Big Dog….”

Charles: “…Besides, everyone knows the team of Ben ‘The Funny Guy’ Andrusaitis and Kevin ‘Goose’ Dwyer is going to win Goodboys this year…

Iain: “Maybe we can then get Goose on ‘The Goose’…

Big Dog: “You’re a freakin’ barrel of monkeys”, Iain. What I want to know is, what do you think Michelle would shoot at The Captains Port Course on Goodboys Sunday? I’ll betcha she doesn’t break 90.”

Charles: “I’d bet she’d quit after snowman’ing that par-5 8th. That hole is a killer…”

Iain: “Speaking of ‘Killer’, what do you think the chances are for the team of Steve ‘Killer’ Kowalski and The Great White Shank this year? What would you give them, Big Dog, a birdie or a bogey?

Big Dog: “Bogey. The Great White Shank’s game might be suitable for the Great Southwest, but up in the Northeast, where the rough is tough and trees are everywhere, he’s gonna struggle – and I don’t care how many fairway woods he carries…”

Charles: “But Killer’s game is on the upswing, so I give them a birdie. I think they have a chance.”

Iain: “Of course, everyone’s looking forward to the return of Mike ‘Vegas’ Clark and Paul ‘Possum’ Shepter after a year’s absence. This year they’re back and as a team. So, how do you think they do, Charles?”

Charles: “Er, bartender, that Cosmopolitan, if you please?”

Big Dog: “…I give them a birdie. I think they have a heckuva chance. Here’s a better bet – that this is the year Ron ‘Cubby’ Myerow gets lucky on the Cape, and I don’t mean hitting his pitching wedge 150 yeards, either!”

Iain: “Better than Goose and TFG winning it all?”

Big Dog: “Well, better than Cubby’s own team with Pat ‘Doggy Duval’ McLaughlin, that’s for sure….”

Charles: “I think Cubby has a better chance of scoring with Michelle Wie than he has of winning another Goodboys championship this year.” [Laughs]

Big Dog: “I have a better chance of scoring with Michelle Wie than Cubby does of winning the Goodboys Invitational this year!” [Both laugh]

Iain: “OK, so the Goodboys are thinking about instituting another rule at this year’s event. It won’t just be the ‘Gaylord Rule’ [Ed. note: a long-time rule instituted during Goodboys weekend named for a particularly notorious Goodboy, ‘Gaylord’ Perry. Under the rule, any Goodboy who says ‘Gaylord’ has to pay a $1 fine. Its gratuitous use over the weekend often leads to a period of open bar time after the final round on Sunday.] this year, but, speculation is, an ‘El Dandito/’Dandy Rule’ as well, commemorating the departure of long-time Goodboy ‘El Dandito’ Drewett. Birdie or bogey – does the new ‘El Dandito/Dandy Rule’ have an impact at Goodboys this year?”

Charles: “Bogey. I think the Gaylord Rule is the only true rule that should be in effect during a Goodboys weekend.”

Big Dog: “Bogey. I agree with Charles – I mean, you start doing that, what’s next? Instituting a ‘Bus Driver Rule’ [Ed. note: Ralph ‘Bus Driver’ Teneriello, a one-time Goodboy known for his, ahem, golfing prowess]? I mean, for gawdsakes, you won’t be able to talk about anyone!”

Iain: “I guess, Charles, we better not tell Big Dog about our own private rule…”

Charles: “That just cost you a buck, dearie…”

Big Dog: “Hey! C’mon, guys….”

Iain: “Time for last call. This week, it’s Charles’ turn to go first. Charles?”

Charles: “Thanks, Iain. This year will be the 17th Goodboys Invitational – imagine that, 17 years. Throughout that time, a number of men have been privileged to be invited to join Goodboys Nation as a participant in the Gooboys Invitational. Some have taken it for granted, some will never be able to escape it no matter how they try, and others have found the Nation too confining, and have thrown off the ‘Goodboy’ mantle quicker than a 3-foot downhill putt for par on Goodboys Sunday when the championship is on the line. I salute the remaining ‘Founding Fathers’ of the Goodboys Invitational – TGWS, Killer, TFG, and Doggy Duval – for not just keeping this event going, but, more importantly, keeping the spirit of the event going over all these years. To them, I say, ‘salute!’ Have a great tournament, fellas…”

Iain: “Thanks Charles. Big Dog? …Oh crap, that just cost me a buck!”

Big Dog [evil eye towards Iain]: “My pick for this year’s championship is the team of The Funny Guy and Goose, and I sure hope it comes to pass. Goose is a good guy, and someone who doesn’t deserve the title of ‘best Goodboy never to win a Goodboys championship’. It’s a funny thing that he’s never been able to win an event. He’s been teamed with some good partners, but somehow it’s always gone down the shi**er for him. The guy’s got game, and certainly one good enough to have won by now. The fact that he’s a favorite and a winner off the course is all well and good; it’s time he took his game to another level, lead his team to his first championship, and get that monkey off his back once and for all. …One final thing – did I mention that Michelle Wie is a spoiled brat whose exploits on the golf course this year have revealed her for the prima donna she truly is? Grow up, Michelle.”

Iain: “Thanks, BD [winks at Charles]. Me, all I’m gonna say is it’s great to have the Goodboys assembling once again, and everyone here is looking forward to it. Oh, and my Goodboys pick is the team of Vegas and Possum – especially if Possum wears that fancy-colored Hawaiian mumu over his golf attire when he arrives at the first tee on Saturday. Thank you Charles, thank you, BD. See ya next time on The Grey Goose 19th Hole!”

Filed in: Goodboys by The Great White Shank at 01:51 | Comments Off on Tonight, On “The Goose…”
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