(Note: To show my support for Hillary Clinton‘s recent, and most blatant, panderings to the African-American community, including, of all things, comparing herself to Harriet Tubman (!), today’s post (below), with the help of The Dialectizer, has also been translated into jive. After all, if a privileged, wealthy white chick from Illinois, educated at Wellesley College, who has never lacked for anything she ever wanted in her life (except the Presidency of the U.S.A., which she’ll do or say anything to attain), can make talk like she just ‘gots outta’ de ‘hood, so can I!)

When yo’ Goodboys nickdojigger be De Great Honky Shank, it’s hardly some testimony t’yo’ golfin’ acumen. ‘S coo’, bro. Am ah’ de wo’st golfa’ amongst da damn Goodboys? Ah’ don’t dink so’s – at least not on some regular basis, but occasionally dat gots sadly been de case. I’ve neva’ aspired t’be some scratch golfa’ – if ah’ can bust 100 every now and den I’d be mo’e dan satisfied; alternatively, any time I’m makin’ googoo eyes at 110 o’ wo’se, ah’s feelin’ the blues, to be sho’. ‘S coo’, bro. De only comfo’t be knowin’ dat in de game uh golf, as Roy “Tin Cup” McAvoy wuz wont t’say, puh’fecshun be unattainable, and sometimes I’m mah’ own wo’st enemy at makin’ certain dat goal remain elusive.

Several years ago, when we lived in Kentucky, ah’ actually rode some there streak fo’ a time where ah’ wuz constantly shootin’ anywhere between 96 and 105 – in fact, it wuz in 2000 dat ah’ and mah’ main man dat year, Bo-Jangles “El Dandito” Drewett, took de Goodboys Invitashunal crown. ‘S coo’, bro. De followin’ sprin’, mah’ game started south once mo’e and it neva been righteous since. Y’dig? While da damn main source uh my problems wuz mah’ irons – especially in terms uh bod accuracy and, frustratin’ly so, distance – it wuz consistency off de tee dat wuz real de source uh my problems. De pros say ya’ “roll fo’ show and putt fo’ dough”, but fo’ beginna’s likes me, if ya’ kin’t dig off de tee, ya’’ll not only sco’e poo’ly but lose an awful uh golf balls hangin’ so. ‘S coo’, bro.

Mo’e dan nuthin else, however, it wuz mah’ course management – de strategy one employs t’always try t’put yo’self in some posishun t’succeed on any given hole by avoidin’ risky shots and playin’ t’yo’ strengds (mine happens t’be mah’ sho’t game) – dat left da damn most t’be desired. To dat end, last year ah’ started makin’ heat t’my arsenal – some 9 and 11 wood t’accompany mah’ 1, 3, 5, and 7 woods. While dis meant ah’ could now go fo’ greens fum distances ah’ could neva’ do wid mah’ mid-to-long irons, de effect on mah’ sco’e wuz minimal, but da damn potential remained. Whut ah’ needed wuz some strategy, an image in mah’ brain, dat ah’ could carry wid me onto de course t’guide mah’ play and improve mah’ course management. Man!

Hence “De Go Zone”. Whut be “De Go Zone”? Simply put, it’s identifyin’ one o’ two places on any given hole where ah’ can do whut ah’ can do best and most regularly – which is, chip onto de green and two-putt. Man! On par 3s, it all depends on de distance and da damn hazards protectin’ de green – sometimes ya’ plum have t’go fo’ it and let da damn chips fall where dey may. Slap mah fro! But on par 4s and par 5s, it’s allowin’ mah’self 2 shots (on de fo’mer) and dree shots (on de latter) t’get t’“De Go Zone”. If I’m able t’do dat and den do no wo’se dan some chip and two putts, I’m playin’ bogey golf and ah be baaad… In practical terms, whut dis means be dat ah’ fine much keep de rollr in de bag and go wid some 3-wood (o’ sometimes even some 5-wood) off de tee in most cases.

Since takin’ dis “Go Zone” approach, I’ve played dree rounds uh golf, and da damn results gots been stunnin’ly righteous, dig dis: some 52/50=102, some 53/49=102, and some 52/48=100. Mah’ rolls gots been far mo’e consistent, and some Leroy Charles swin’ tip and some chippin’ tip fum De Golf Channel’s Gary Koch durin’ deir Honda Classic coverage hasn’t hurt eider. Ah be baaad… Tracey says I’m actually mo’e controlled and human on de golf course, and, at one point last week while ridin’ wid me on one uh my rounds, suddenly ax’ed, “Coo’, who is you, and whut dun did ya’ do wid De Great Honky Shank?” High praise indeed.

Only 85 days t’go until de 2007 Goodboys Invitashunal. Watch out bro’s, me and mah’ main man Steve “Wasteer” Kowalski is gonna be eyebally. Slap mah fro! I’ll be in “De Go Zone”. Gots’ta ya’?