Earlier tonight, for no reason whatsoever, I was looking at some of the posts I had put up in this space last year at this time, and was amazed to see how absolutely lost, and how imprisoned spiritually, I felt back then.

Forward then, two hours. Tracey and I were watching on DVD The Beatles Anthology (of all things!), and I was struck by an overwhelming sense, so powerful and (how can I describe it?) so personal - how important it is that devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary, is a course I should be pursuing in my life, to what extent I know not. What was it that triggered such an incredible response? Believe it or not, it was hearing these lyrics to John Lennon’s song, “Real Love” (my boldings):

All my little plans and schemes
Lost like some forgotten dream
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you

Just like little girls and boys
Playing with their little toys
Seems like all they really were doing
Was waiting for you

Don’t need to be alone
No need to be alone

It’s real love
It’s real, yes it’s real love
It’s real

From this moment on I know
Exactly where my life will go
Seems that all I really was doing
Was waiting for love

Don’t need to be afraid
No need to be afraid

It’s real love
It’s real, yes it’s real love
It’s real

Thought I’d been in love before,
But in my heart I wanted more
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you

Don’t need to be alone
No need to be alone

It’s real love
Yes it’s real, yes it’s real love
It’s real, yes it’s real love…

Listening to the lyrics and music wash over me, I realized that “real” and “love” are not words to be taken lightly. Is my alter-ego “The Great White Shank”, and my roles as husband, lover, Goodboy, and project manager nothing but a cheap facade? Is the life I find myself living so different from some existence I should be, but haven’t the guts to pursue? Or is it just over-reaction. Who knows? Whichever it might be, after my experience of two weeks ago, I sure feel as if I’ve appeared out of some crazy fog bank to find myself thousands of miles (literally and figuratively) from somewhere I was. Like Lennon’s lyrics say, maybe I don’t need to be afraid of having some time alone to understand everything that’s happened to me recently. I’m clearly wrestling with impulses far and beyond anything I could have imagined when I wrote that post a year ago February.

At any rate, it is real love, and it is a joy to feel free.

Hope I didn’t wig everyone out, but it is what it is. I promise - a post on boat drinks or the Red Sox tomorrow!