“Aloha, gentle Goodboys Nation readers, Don Ho here, and I’m happy to announce the ‘Ho’-fficial opening of The Great White Shank’s cabana tiki bar in Gilbert, Arizona. Get it? ‘Ho-fficial’? Nyuk nyuk nyuk…man, I love to entertain the folks…

“A tiki bar smack dab in the land-locked desert suburbia of Gilbert, Arizona? Madness, you say? Me too. And I think TGWS must be feeling a little wacked out about it as well, since he asked me to do the ceremonial unveiling for him – as if some Hawaiian entertainment icon doing it makes it seem so – oh, I don’t know – natural than some dopey Goodboys blogger. (BTW, I hear all Goodboys have to have a nickname – with a last name of ‘Ho’, I can’t even BEGIN to imagine what mine might be were I to be a Goodboy!)

“The ‘Shank tells me he got the idea of a tiki bar one Saturday while sitting outside, drinking his morning java. He was looking at his backyard when the thought occurred to him that an outside bar might add a little pizzaz to the same old boring suburban scene, dig? And it was then that he remembered a boat ride given by fellow Goodboy Ben “The Funny Guy” Andrusaitis around the lake this past Goodboys weekend and the tiki bar some enterprisng neighbor had set up for himself above his little beach.

“But where do you go to find tiki bars?, he wondered. And then came the brainstorm: he’d ask his wife to search the Internet for cabana bars, requesting only something simple, not too ostentacious, and not too expensive. How was he to know that her search would uncover a whole tiki subculture on the ‘Net, with exotic offerings of everything tiki you could imagine – bars, statues, barware, and lighting, in Hawaiian, Caribbean, Polynesian, Tahitian, pirate-themed, you name it. One site in particular, The Bikini Tiki Bar Factory, caught her imagination, but the cost was, shall we say, a wee tad more than TGWS wanted to pay. Nevertheless, one telephone call and an owner needing to clear some showroom space later, and voila!, an order is placed for one standard issue “Canary Bar”.

“Of course, nothing ever comes easy in these days of internet marketing. The owner of the site, who’s showroom, BTW, just happens to be in Las Vegas (no surprise there!), promised delivery of the bar in 2-3 weeks time. TGWS was alarmed – you see, he and the missus had a Hawaiian cruise scheduled two weeks hence. ‘If we can’t get it within two weeks, perhaps it’d be better to wait a few weeks’, he tells the owner. ‘Don’t worry’, the owner replies, ‘you’ll have it by then, no problem.’

“So, a week and a half goes by and TGWS hears nothing. Then, the Wednesday before they’re scheduled to leave for Hawaii, he gets a call. It’s the owner of the place, who says they’ve decided not to ship the bar to Gilbert, they’re going to DRIVE the assembled showroom model down to him. TGWS mentions the fact they’re scheduled for a 3 AM wake-up call on Sunday morning, so anytime before Saturday would be fine. ‘No problem’, the owner says, ‘I’ll call you tomorrow with the delivery timeframe.’

“Thursday comes and goes, and no call. On Friday, TGWS calls the owner for an update. ‘We’re loading it on the truck as we speak. You’ll have it Saturday morning.’

“Saturday morning comes and goes, and TGWS, he knows the direction this gig is heading, so it doesn’t surprise him when his cell phone goes off at 5:30 PM on Saturday afternoon. It’s the driver. ‘I’ve got your bar!’, he says, ‘I’m in Wickenburg (two hours away) and will be there as soon as I can.’

“Well, night is falling hard, and it’s now 8 PM – seven hours until vay-cay-shun wake-up – and his cell phone goes off again. It’s the driver. ‘I’m coming around your corner as I speak!’ And so it was. TGWS heads out front just in time to see this white pick-up come flying around the corner with this wooden monstrosity in the bed. ‘Glad you’re still here’, the driver says, ‘we gotta get this monster set up, and it is one heavy, bulky sonofabitch, I’ll tell you!’ He wasn’t kidding – this was quality stuff, no cheap PVC here, just solid beautiful wood and thatch. Two hours later, the bar is put together; five hours later, they’re up and on their way to Hawaii. Righteous, eh?

“As you can see from the picture below, during the daytime, the tiki bar adds a nice touch to the sandbox left by the previous owners. (I know what you’re thinking, and don’t ask – maybe the owners thought there wasn’t enough sand in the Arizona desert!) TGWS tells me this picture was taken before the final finishing touches were added to the bar – before it was stained, before the tacky lights were added for nighttime entertainment, before the tiki torches were planted, and before the bar stools were added…

“…And in this picture, Mrs. Shank models the tiki upon its completion. Pretty jazzy, dontcha you think?

“So there you have it – a little piece of the tropics smack dab in the Arizona des – Holy cow – I gotta roll, got a show to do! Tell TGWS when you see him next that I’ve done what I needed to do, and don’t forget to tell him also that I’m expecting a track or two of my music on his ‘Hawaiian Beach Part’ CD collection when it comes time to entertain. Me Ke Aloha Pumehana!”