Still having a hard time trying to figure out who to vote for this year? Tired of all the commercials, the relentless focus on meaningless polls by the national dino-media, and all the bull$hit cable news shows that repeat the same doggerell over and over to fill broadcast space? Well, The Great White Shank is here to help you figure out how to fill out your ballot. (If you’ve already voted by absentee ballot, you can’t vote twice, so no cheating – after all, this isn’t Milwaukee, East St. Louis, or Philadelphia, you know.)

These are very simple, non-partisan questions with only two answers – Democrat or Republican. I offer them up as a public service for the benefit of those still sitting on the fence, or thinking about sitting this election out entirely. And don’t worry about needing a degree in political science to be able to answer these questions correctly – heck, the answers are not only obvious, but are designed to be so, for they serve as an important reminder that there really IS a difference between the competing philosophies of the national parties in this upcoming election.

Ready? OK, here we go!

1. The party most likely to raise taxes on people who work for a living is…

2. The party most likely to bring the troops home from Iraq before 2010 is…

3. The party most likely to confirm judges that would legislate from the bench – for example, allowing same-sex unions or tossing out voter ID requirements – even when the voters of the particular state involved in the case have already made their voices heard to the contrary is…

4. The party most likely to approve legislation requiring captured terrorists to be given the same legal rights you and I have is…

5. The party most likely to permit illegals in this country be given the same rights and privileges you and I have is…

6. The party most likely to allow you to keep more of your hard-earned money is…

7. The party most likely to be supported by the ACLU and its membership is…

8. The party most likely to increase entitlement spending, whether it be at the federal, state, or local level, is…

9. The party that believes less government is better, and that the proper role of government is to provide only those critical functions that cannot be performed by individuals or private organizations is…

And, finally, this bonus question:

10. You’re Osama bin Laden, skulking around in some cave along the Afghanistan/Pakistan border. You’ve somehow gotten your hands on a U.S. voter’s ID card – hello again, East St. Louis! – and intend on voting by absentee ballot at the nearest foreign precinct you can find. You know one political party is intent on prosecuting the so-called “War on Terror” as a real war – you know, guns, bombs, soldiers, etc., while the other party, with its more “global” worldview and its motivated core of anti-war and human rights activists, sees it more as a law enforcement/human rights kind of exercise.

You’re Osama bin Laden and you’ve got that ballot in your hand. Now, the party YOU would vote for is…

There, does that help?